


New Rules

by SasuSoul



Series: New Rules/Incapable [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Bottom Lance (Voltron), College Student Keith (Voltron), College Student Lance (Voltron), Gay Keith (Voltron), Hurt Lance (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Smut, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Langst, M/M, Orphan Keith (Voltron), Pain, Smut, Top Keith (Voltron), Unrequited Love, klance, klance angst, klangst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-09-19 11:57:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17001222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SasuSoul/pseuds/SasuSoul
Summary: Mirror of "Incapable"Love is a difficult thing. Especially when the one you love does not love you back. But Lance is so lost that he would do anything for this boy, even it brings him to his own ruin. And there is just something about Keith, a dark aura drawing him in. He keeps coming back, despite all the hurt he has caused him. He is completely stuck, falling deeper and deeper every single day. Will he get back up, or will he get lost forever?|Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silouhetteA lifeless face that you'll soon forgetMy eyes are damp from the words you leftRinging in my head, when you broke my chestRinging in my head, when you broke my chest|





	1. One, don't pick up the phone...

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my…. I have no words. Season 8 broke me. Not just as a Klance shipper, but as a Voltron fan. Here we had seven fucking amazing seasons, and then it suddenly took so many turns I did not expect at all, and they broke my favorite character and made him into a shell of himself. Lance, you deserved so much better… 
> 
> Right now I only have horrible thoughts in my mind, which I have had for the last week or so after seeing Catneylang’s animatic on Youtube (which came true and it kills me); so I needed a place to pour all my angst into. I have had the concept for this fic mapped out for a while, but I’ve had a hard time finishing up the chapters. In a way, getting heartbroken over Voltron helped with that, since it put me in the right mood. I am hoping that by finishing this chapter I have also made it possible for myself to be able to write something short, fluffy and nice for the Klance fandom in the future, because right now, all I am is broken.  
> Now onto the fic... It is supposed to be very confusing and chaotic, as these kinds of emotions definitely are just that. There will be three parts to the Lance section of this work, paired with a Keith section that has an unknown amount of chapters at present. I think it will probably end up with three or four parts as well. This is not a fic that gives you a happy ending, so if you crave that right now you should look elsewhere. I really do hope that you want to read this at some point though, as I have been working hard on this concept for a long time. I am sorry for not providing you with something sweet and happy on this dreadful day of existence, but I hope I will be able to make up for it soon. 
> 
> This is a songfic I guess, considering it has lines in it from Dua Lipa’s “New Rules”. The plan for it ended up a lot more dark and twisty than I originally intended, even though there was never going to be a happy-go-lucky story. The excerpt in the summary is from the song “Youth” by Daughter. I felt it fit with the theme very well. I will post some songs in the notes below that I used as an inspirational source for Lance’s side of this work (mostly they have been what I have put on when I’ve thought about the fic over the past weeks and months, and they help set the mood even though the theme and genre is varied).

***beep beep beep***

Lance groaned audibly and flipped over from his side to his back, groggily lifting his hands to remove his eye mask. When he opened his eyes, he could barely make out the contours of his dorm room in the dark, the sole reason for him even being able to see that much was the glowing neon stars plastered across his ceiling. Pidge had called him childish, but stars had always relaxed him. And in times like this, the ounce of light they provided was very useful for him to be able to navigate around the room.

He immediately realized it had to be very late. Yes, he did have his blinds closed, but they didn’t block all light, so if it had been evening or early morning, some of the sun’s rays would have penetrated through and lit up his surroundings slightly. However, except from the light coming from the glowing stars, the room was pitch black.

Peeking over at the watch on his nightstand, he noted that it was indeed late, 2:17 AM to be exact. Why was he even up at this time? The beeping noise registered in his mind again. Oh, right… That was the reason. He couldn’t have put on an alarm at this hour, so clearly someone was trying to get in touch with him. But who would call him at this time of night?

In the end, he came up with two options. Either, whoever called him was a huge dick, or this was an emergency. If it really was the last one, it was important that he picked up. Even though the chance of anything bad happening was quite low, it was still a possibility. Lance knew his grandmother was getting old, something could have happened to her. Or someone he knew could have been involved in an accident.

Suddenly feeling very anxious, he reached over to where his phone was charging at the end of the nightstand and flipped the cover off to look at the caller ID. He immediately went from scared and anxious to a mix of annoyed, hurt and slightly excited.

**Keith *slide to answer***

_Keith is calling me._ He could not help the warm, giddy feeling spreading through his body like a wildfire. He always had this reaction to the hotheaded boy, his body betraying him even when his mind told him it was a bad idea. Because Keith was nothing but trouble, he knew that. Had experienced it firsthand several times. However, Lance was apparently a slow learner, because he still ached for the raven-haired boy after all this time. It was as if his body needed Keith, craved him like a drug; and it was terribly hard to refrain from giving himself what he wanted.

Nevertheless, he knew he should not take the call. Knew that it would only result in him getting hurt and Hunk having to pick up the pieces and patch him back together. The Samoan had comforted him through the loss of Keith many times, too many times in Hunk’s opinion. He always let him use his shoulder to cry on, but Lance knew he had gotten tired of seeing his friend deliberately setting himself up to be hurt.

The last time he came knocking on his best friend’s dorm room crying over Keith, about two weeks ago, he had told him straight to his face.

 

* * *

 

 

“Look Lance, I know you’re in love with this guy, but he keeps treating you like trash. You are a person, not a toy for him to throw away whenever he gets tired of playing with it. If you keep staying available like this, always ready to take him back when he shows up at your door after days of not talking to you, he will never stop. Keith knows he is your weakness. He will keep using you as long as you let him.”

Lance did not answer him, he just continued sobbing loudly and blowing his nose with the tissue paper Hunk had put on the coffee table. He had made a habit of always keeping some around in his dorm for occasions like this; they had come in handy more times than he could remember.

“…It’s just. I thought that maybe he was finally giving in, you know. The past few weeks have been so amazing, he opened up to me about his past, we went stargazing, and he took me to get milkshakes. It felt… different. Like maybe, he was trying to change for me. Then I saw him making out with Lotor in the parking lot, and when we made eye contact he just smiled and shrugged like that was a completely normal thing for him to do. Like what we’ve had together lately didn’t matter to him at all.”

Lance sniffed and sobbed through the entire rant, his body shaking with rage and sadness from the recent rejection. Hunk wrapped his arm around his friend’s shoulders protectively, letting him rest comfortably against his broad, soft chest. He knew it was not fair to get his friend involved in this all the time. Hunk worried about him constantly, telling him to take better care of himself and not let others stomp on his heart. Lance had not listened to his advice even once, and yet Hunk was always there to comfort him whenever he got his heart broken. He did not deserve a friend like him. 

Hunk sighed. “Are you really surprised though? This is what always happens. He gives you a tiny bit of attention and you turn into a lovesick puppy. I’m sorry to break it to you, _again_ , but he knows exactly what he is doing. He just wants to get laid, and you are willing to do anything he wants if he gives you a couple of compliments and a pack of fries. Sorry again about the phrasing, but we both know it’s true.”

“… Keith is not a horrible person. He’s had a tough past. His parents dying in that accident, him and Shiro having to take care of themselves on their own. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he is fragile, scared. I don’t think he really knows how to express himself emotionally… I just want him to be happy, you know. To not feel so alone. I want to be there for him…”

“I know, buddy. But no matter how fucked up Keith’s past is, or how lonely he feels at times, he has absolutely no right to treat you like this. It’s toxic.”

“But…”

“No buts. Listen to you.” Hunk’s voice was raising above his usual calm tone, his demeanor shifting from worried to agitated. It was rare for Lance to see his friend so visibly upset. Hunk was usually a beacon of light and pleasant energies. _He must be growing really tired of this mess…_ he thought, and who was he to blame him? Hunk had every right to be frustrated at Lance and beyond fucking pissed at Keith. Hell, if it had been the other way around Lance would have beaten up the guy who caused his friend so much discomfort a _long_ time ago.

“This guy has just broken your heart for the tenth time or something (Actually it was just six, Lance had been counting _),_ you come to me crying and in pain, and yet you _defend_ him. As if it is okay for him to treat you like this just because he is hurting. Well, you know what? It is not ok. Nu-huh. Not with me. You deserve so much better than this, Lance. I am not going to let you do this again. Next time you will have to fight me to get out the door.”

The overwhelming warmth and affection he felt for Hunk in that moment made him throw himself into the Samoan’s arms, whining and sobbing uncontrollably loud. Having someone else say what he knew deep inside out loud made it so much more real, which in turn made the pain feel even stronger. Nevertheless, Hunk’s concern and love for him moved him so much, and he could not bear to think of the thought of hurting his friend like this again. He really wanted out of this whole situation with Keith, both for his own sake, and to be able to be a good stable person; to be the friend Hunk deserved.

This external motivation helped him to utter the words he needed to when Hunk spoke to him again.

“Please promise me you won’t go back to him again.”

“I promise.”

“I really mean it this time. I won’t let you.”

“I know. I mean it too. I won’t go back. I promise.” And he did mean it. He really wanted to give up on Keith. He just did not know how to do it. But with Hunk by his side, Lance felt invincible. Therefore, he wiped his tears away while he promised to himself as well. Under no circumstances were he to take Keith back. He was going to be a strong independent guy who didn’t need no man to be happy. Especially if that man’s name happened to be Keith Kogane.

Hunk smiled at that, his calm, comforting aura returning to the room. “Good. Now let’s bake some cookies and watch a really bad chick-flick while you bitch about Keith and Lotor until you feel better.”

“I love you, Hunk.”

“I love you too, buddy.”

 

* * *

 

 

_|_ _One, one, one…_ _|_

 

Lance glanced longingly at the phone on his bedside table. Why was this so hard to do? Keith obviously had no concern for him, calling him in the middle of the night like this. He probably just wanted to hook up and figured Lance would be the easiest to convince. Well, he wasn’t wrong.

Didn’t Keith have a boyfriend now, though? He had seen him hanging out with Lotor on multiple occasions after their encounter in the parking lot, and they seemed to enjoy getting busy. But then again, Keith liked doing that with a lot of people. And most of the people on campus dreamt of doing it with Keith.

As quarterback of the college football team, Keith was a very sought after guy. Girls and boys alike wanted to befriend him, some for his fame and some for his body. Lance understood that perfectly. After all, Keith looked amazing. Pale, smooth, flawless skin and ebon dark hair falling down to just above his shoulders. He mostly kept it pulled up and out of his face during practice, and those low ponytails he sported really suited him. In addition, Keith was ripped. Working out with your brother and the rest of the football team daily had good effects on a man’s physique, and he was no exception to that. Broad shoulders, defined biceps and abs, and thighs that were probably strong enough to crush a man’s skull. The man was godly.

He was also very popular. Being on the football team did that to you. Keith was always invited to parties and hangouts, people flocked around him at lunch, and everyone on campus had probably caught themselves wishing they were him a couple of times.

That is why it had all seemed so surreal when he just randomly approached him one day. Him, Lance McClain, a completely average person majoring in English and working part time at the local café. Yes, he was somewhat loud and boisterous, but he and his friends mostly kept to themselves around campus, and no one else really approached them. Lance, Pidge and Hunk never really went to any parties, and he had been to only one football game that entire season. As far as he was aware, Keith Kogane did not even know he existed. Apparently he had been wrong about that, terribly wrong.

In hindsight, he made his first mistake already back then, when he let himself believe that Keith was actually interested in him. He knew about the rumors going around campus, and the quarterback was seen with a new boy clinging to his waist almost every week; but Lance still felt his face flush and heart flutter on the first day of his undergraduate philosophy class, when the gorgeous boy appeared out of nowhere and fucking winked at him.

“Is this seat taken?” he had questioned, pointing at the chair to Lance’s left, a smirk evident on his face.

Lance’s mouth had just opened and closed, and he had not really been able to answer the question. Keith sat down regardless, asking if he could borrow a pen. Lance remembered rummaging through his bag at record speed, feeling incredibly relieved when he found one of his extra ballpoints.

He hadn’t been able to follow a word of what had been said that entire class. All his willpower went into not ogling at the guy sat next to him, but he still could not help but notice how his letterman jacket accentuated his strong arms or how his eyes seemed to have a tint of purple in them. Did he always wear those fingerless gloves?

Keith had caught him staring several times, and at first, Lance had been very embarrassed. However, as time went on he realized Keith took stolen glances at him just as much as he did, and that made him feel more confident.

The first couple of days it had just been glances and occasional innocent touches. Like Keith dropping his pen and “accidentally” brushing against Lance’s leg when he bent down to pick it up. They eventually started talking more, bonding over how bad the weather was or how much they hated this class. Both of them had to take it as a compulsory subject, and all of Keith’s other friends had already passed it. He told him he had failed the exam once, which made Lance chuckle. Philosophy wasn’t really that hard, after all. You just had to remember a few important thinkers and know the difference between utilitarianism and deontology. The main issue was how boring it was. When he still found himself starting to struggle with the subject early on, he blamed it on the constant distraction of having Keith fucking Kogane sat next to him.

His second mistake had been saying yes when Keith had asked him to come watch his football game that Saturday. If he had just kept their flirting in the classroom, none of the following events would have happened. And he definitely wouldn’t be standing in the football team’s locker room watching Keith in nothing but his boxers.

He’d just wanted to go down and congratulate Keith on winning the game, he didn’t expect to find him almost naked and drenched in sweat. It had been like _two minutes_ since the game ended, how did he even manage to undress that fast? Didn’t they have a post-game meeting or something?

Regardless of how it happened, Lance found himself a stuttering mess in front of the other boy, trying his best not to look down at the small trail of hair on his abdomen where his boxer briefs ended. He failed miserably, and Keith eyed him with a curious look. Oh fuck, he had probably been standing there for a while. This was awkward.

A second or two later he finally regained his ability to speak.

“Good game, dude. Really impressive.” He was surprised at the fact that his voice managed to stay steady. Keith hummed a “’Thank you” and starting asking him if he enjoyed it, clearly not at all affected by their current _situation_.

_Dios mio, why is he so fucking hot?_

“Earth to Lance. Are you gonna answer me or not?” Keith was giving him a downright smirk, clearly aware of why Lance had dozed out on him.

“Huh?” Great, now he had made it even more obvious. The quarterback chuckled amused, and such a _cute_ sound coming from Keith of all people had Lance growing weak at the knees.

“I asked if you wanted to go grab something to eat and then head back to mine?”

Accepting that invitation was an even bigger mistake. Thinking back, he had known _exactly_ what Keith had in mind when he asked that question. In fact, he was sure the same thing had been on his mind when he said yes. The problem was the other things on Lance’s mind, things he was sure Keith did _not_ think about him. Cheesy things like holding his hand in class or taking him to the movies. In short, his mistake was accepting the invitation knowing that it would be the start of a downward spiral. A spiral he did not know if he could ever get out of.

The sex that night had been amazing, and he had learned that Keith’s strong arms had many more appealing functions than the ones he displayed on the football court. For example, they were perfect for lifting Lance up and fucking him against the bedroom wall or the kitchen counter. He felt incredibly light and fragile in his arms, and it was amazing to let go and leave Keith in total control of his body.

The letdown had come the following Monday when he saw Keith chatting up some first-year when he entered the student lounge heading towards the desk Hunk, Pidge and him usually studied at. He felt his heart sink into his stomach, and all he wanted in that moment was to find an escape. But his friends were yet to arrive, and Keith had noticed him staring and started to head over, a ghost of a smirk evident on his lips.

He had not expected him to snake his arms around his waist and nibble at his ear, asking him if he had a fun weekend in a husky whisper. Lance felt a shiver going down his spine. He wondered if Keith thought he did not see him flirting, or if this kind of behavior was just second nature to him. Regardless, it was incredibly hot and Lance had to hold back a moan as he answered with a smile and what he hoped was a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders.

They started hanging out more after that. Sporadic hook-ups in the school bathroom, late night snacks at the local McDonald’s. Keith showered him with attention and Lance was so lost in the other boy that he chose to ignore the way Keith looked at other guys in the hallways, or the one time he caught him with James Griffin sitting on his lap in the cafeteria. It was obvious that Lance wasn’t the only guy Keith was seeing.

Still Lance somehow managed to fall for the boy, and he fell _hard._ In fact, he fell face-first down a stairway to living hell. He started to believe that he was more important to Keith than his other hook-ups; that he actually meant something to him. Even though Keith’s actions left him crying at night, he still went back to him every single time. _This time it will be different. This time, he will love me._ Letting himself live that lie was probably his biggest mistake.

To Lance’s defense, Keith sometimes made it really hard for him to know that he was “just another hook-up”, like that time he barged into his dorm crying at the anniversary of his parent’s accident, curling up in Lance’s arms shaking while telling him about the day his whole life was ruined. Or the time he drove seven miles on a Sunday night just because Lance wanted Domino’s. That was what really confused him. Keith could be so nice to him one minute, and the next he would ignore him, go to town, and latch onto the closest piece of ass he could find. It broke his heart.

_And that_ , he reminded himself, _is why you’re not going to answer this fucking phone call. You’ve been so good lately, I’m not going to let you ruin it now._

It had been about two weeks since he last spoke with Keith (eleven days, he had counted). After the event with Lotor, Lance had finally moved seats in his philosophy class, leaving the quarterback to mope on his own on the other side of the classroom… For about five minutes before some guy saw his chance and went over to sit with him. Keith turned him down and then glanced in his direction with a nervous smile plastered on his face. Lance turned away before he could show any signs of weakness.

After class that day he had caught up with him, despite Lance’s effort to leave the building as quickly as possible. He knew it was a lost battle when he felt a light tap on his shoulder and heard a familiar “ahem” right behind him.

“Can we talk?” his voice sounded weak and somewhat hurt, taking Lance by surprise. He decided to keep up his stoic demeanor even though his traitor of a heart told him to embrace the other boy and hold him close. “What do you want?”

“Why are you avoiding me?”

“You know damn well why.”

Either his eyes were deceiving him or Keith was actually shrinking down, slouching his shoulders and avoiding his gaze, a guilty look crossing his face. Keith almost felt _small_ in front of him, and Lance did not know what to do with this sudden change in the balance of power.

“Lance, I-“

Whatever the ebon-haired boy was about to say was interrupted by a hand snaking around his waist from behind, pulling him towards a taller, silver-haired boy. As if on instinct, Keith tilted his head back and pecked the taller boy on his lips. Lance felt his insides fuming.

“… I’m sorry.” His voice was barely above a whisper, his eyes still full of guilt and some other emotion Lance could not quite catch. But it didn’t really matter anymore. All he felt in that moment was an overwhelming rage. How dared he come over to him flaunting his new man-candy like that while simultaneously trying to make him feel sorry for him? Looking at him like this was somehow not the most horrible thing he could do to him. In that moment, Keith Kogane disgusted him.

“SHUT IT!” Every single person in the hallway turned their heads at that, why did people love drama so damn much? “You’re not fucking sorry, Keith! Just… Just stay the fuck away from me!” He didn’t hear the other boy call for him as he sprinted out of the building, tears streaming down the side of his face.

Since that day, Keith had left him alone. Lance had actually been somewhat happy about that. Even though he sometimes still felt like calling him up at night or seeking him out in the cafeteria. Hunk had become his biggest support in that regard, distracting him whenever Keith was around, and cheering him on when he badmouthed him to Pidge. He had finally started to feel like he maybe, just maybe, could manage to get over this whole Keith thing as long as he just kept his distance and left him alone.

 

***Beep beep beep***

 

His phone must have been ringing for over a full minute now. Seeing Keith’s name on his phone display still made him feel all jittery inside. Maybe he wanted to apologize again.  Maybe he missed him. _I could pick up and just… talk to him. I don’t need to give him anything._ It was getting harder and harder to resist the urge to pick up the phone. Part of him desperately wanted, _needed_ to hear the quarterback’s voice again. To feel like Keith wanted him, yearned for him. _Fuck it._

He was just about to reach over to the bedside table to grab his phone when the ringing stopped. Lance let out a relieved sigh he did not even know he had held in. _That was close. But I did it. Hunk would be proud of me._

 

***Beep beep beep***

_|_ _One, don’t pick up the phone_ _|_

“Hello?”

The phone was in his hand before he had even registered the ringing starting up again. Reflexes grabbing hold of him before he could stop and think about his actions.

 

_|_ _You know he’s only calling cause he’s drunk and alone_ _|_

 

“Hey there.”  

Lance could almost smell the stench of alcohol through the phone. Keith’s state of mind was very much indicated by his tone of voice. At this realization, Lance grew even more annoyed and angry. Here he was, finally beginning to move on after being heartbroken for weeks, and then Keith had nerve to call him up out of nowhere for a casual hook-up? After everything he had done to him.

“It’s 2:30 AM, what the fuck do you want?” His tone of voice was usually not this aggressive, but he felt like Keith deserved to know how he felt about him for once.

“… I’m sorry; I didn’t really look at the time.” There was a hint of sadness to his voice, and Lance felt a pang of unnecessary guilt hit him. He had absolutely no reason to feel sorry for Keith, and yet all he wanted to do in that moment was to comfort him. Because something was obviously wrong. Since the start of their “relationship”, Lance had always been Keith’s go-to when he wanted to forget about his problems. It had made him feel special, but now he just felt particularly well used; like a blanket that had too many stains on it to get off in the wash. Yet there was still room for Keith to further use him. In fact, part of Lance wanted just that – to be used by Keith so that he could be happy. Sometimes he wondered if he was deeply in love, or if he was just some kind of masochist.

“What’s wrong?” He could not help asking the question, even though he knew it would draw the conversation in the wrong direction.

“You’re mad at me… I want to make up.” His voice was soft, like that of a lost pup. Lance could not help the fond chuckle that escaped his lips. This boy never ceased to amaze him.

“If you really wanted to make up, maybe you should have called at a better time. I’m not exactly in the best mood right now.” Lance’s voice went softer as well, a subconscious gesture to comfort his classmate.

“I’m sorry that I woke you up… I really cannot sleep. It’s the insomnia, you know…” Yes, Lance knew. Keith had told him once or twice before. About his sleepless nights, unable to rest, unable to think. The nights when he revisited that moment. The nights when he relived the accident over and over in his head. As far as he knew, Keith did not talk to anyone else about this, just Lance. He was popular, yes, but he did not really have any close friends. He kept everyone at a distance, which was another reason why Lance had felt so special when he opened up to him, when he became vulnerable. Still, how could he know that Keith did not just use this dynamic against him? Manipulating him into doing what he wanted because Lance knew he was hurting. The answer was that he couldn’t, but he had several indications that it was a mix of both exploitation and desperation.

“Is there any way I can convince you to come outside with me? I’ll buy you a milkshake. Vanilla is your favorite, right?” The blush that spread across his face when he heard that Keith _remembered_ his favorite type of milkshake made him feel ashamed. _No_ , he told himself. _We talked about this. You shouldn’t. What would Hunk say?_

However, Lance’s heart disagreed with his mind. All it did was call out for _Keith, Keith, Keith_ , leaving him helpless at the hands of the other boy. And Keith _needed_ him. Needed Lance. He did not call Lotor when he was feeling down; he called _him_. Thus, yet another mistake was made by Lance McClain that night.

“You better get me some fries with that shake…” He felt defeat, and relief. He had given up, accepted his fate. Tonight, this was how things were going to play out. He fell back into the habit of following Keith’s lead once again. Though disturbing, it felt oddly comfortable.

“As many as you want. Meet me in ten?” He could hear Keith smiling on the other end.

“Give me twenty. I have to get some clothes on.”

 

* * *

 

 

Fifteen minutes later, he was traversing the snow-covered streets of Altea without even a jacket on like some idiot. Lance had always considered himself warm-blooded, and his overconfidence in his body’s ability to maintain heat, along with the “it’s probably not that cold outside”-philosophy, always caused him to end up freezing in the winter. This time he had miscalculated heavily, as lumps of snow were falling to the ground and he could see the water vapor coming out of his mouth as a white smog whenever he breathed out. Putting his hands into the pocket of his hoodie and lowering his head, he picked up the pace to get inside as fast as possible, feeling the skin on his nose turn red from the cold.

In the five minutes it took him to walk to McDonald’s, he had already started doubting his decision. Why was he going to a diner in the middle of the night to comfort a man that had disregarded his feelings so many times? It made no sense. Would Keith ever have done this for him? He doubted it. _But…_ His heart reminded him. _It’s Keith._ And that was all the reasoning he needed to keep going, even though he knew deep down this logic would ruin him. Besides, he did say he wanted to make up, and Lance had to admit he was curious as to what the other boy meant by this.

 

_|_ _My love, he makes me feel like nobody else, nobody else._ _|_

Keith waited for him outside, just like he had promised, and seeing him made Lance’s stomach do all kinds of flip flops. Both butterflies and hornets flew around in there, creating a cocktail of emotions that suddenly overwhelmed him. Fondness, love, comfort, happiness. Hurt, jealousy, anger, fear. Then Keith sent him a shy smile, and his heart melted, making him push all the hurt and tears into the back of his mind and lock the door. He smiled back, and the hug he received when the gap between them closed made him breathless. Oh, how he had missed Keith’s touch for the past weeks. There was no point in trying to deny it. He sighed comfortably into the hug, letting his arms tangle themselves into Keith’s hair as the quarterback held onto him tightly. This was where he wanted to be. This was where he belonged.

“God, you’re freezing. Why can’t you ever dress properly?” Keith commented, and booped their noses fondly before leaning in for a kiss. Lance’s body responded before he could comprehend what was going on. Lips shifted against each other, gently touching and moving in tandem. It was not a rushed, lustful kiss; it was soft and tender. One of the hands resting on his back moved to his neck, and then to his face as Keith broke the kiss to caress his cheek lightly. Lance felt dazed and confused. Keith, him, kissing. What about Lotor? What about the argument? He did not agree that it was ok for them to start doing this again.  Didn’t he get a say in this? _But it feels so good_ … His heart argued. _Good_ and _Keith_ repeatedly echoed in his mind as he subconsciously leaned in for another short peck. Keith’s lips on his sent shockwaves through his body. It was simply electric.

“Let’s go inside before you turn into an icicle.” Lance could not do anything but nod and follow; his brain had stopped functioning properly after the second kiss. It was true what Hunk had said so many times before, Keith had him completely under his spell. With the quarterback’s fingers intertwined with his, and his soft smile directed at Lance and Lance only, he simply could not care less about anything else than what was happening in that moment. Keith’s undivided attention was on him, and that was good enough for now.

It seemed like what Keith needed this time around was just to forget. And so they ordered their food, sat down and talked about anything and everything. About the weather, about Professor Smith’s weird haircut, about the new game Pidge and Lance had been playing lately. Any superficial subject they could think of was addressed that night. They laughed, smiled, ranted, and sometimes subconsciously played with the other’s hand or brushed their feet together. It was simple, safe, uncomplicated, but Lance could not help the nagging feeling building in his chest. This was not ok. They had problems to address; he was not done hurting. The scars Keith had left this time were not so easily covered up by fries and milkshakes, or by hugs and soft smiles. He needed more.

“I… Are you still with him?” What was supposed to be a confrontation turned into something that sounded like a plea. Lance cursed at himself internally.

“Lotor? He… I… It’s complicated.” Keith did not really want to meet his gaze, but Lance forced them to lock eyes over the table. The other boy squirmed under his gaze, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. Lance did not feel sorry for him this time around. Keith was the one who had dragged himself into this mess. He should be the one to dig himself out.

“I am sorry for hurting you. I really am. But I never told you it was going to be us. I am not like that… This is… difficult for me.” He grabbed Lance’s hands and held them tight, steadying his gaze and willing himself to look at the other boy, even though he clearly struggled with it.

“I… I care about you.” It seemed hard for Keith to utter those words while still keeping his focus on Lance. He looked distressed, mindlessly brushing his thumb back and forth across Lance’s hand as if to ground himself.

Lance could not believe what he had just heard. _I care about you_. It was not much, but coming from Keith it meant the world to him. He reveled in it, cherished it. Even though his mind told him that one could not possibly care about someone and still treat them like this, his heart was overflowing with affection. _Keith cares about me. He said it. He really does._ The grin he now sported was stupidly wide, but Lance did not care. Because this was what he wanted, what he needed. If only Keith would love him, everything would be okay.

“I care about you too… A lot.” _I love you._

_|_ _But my love, he doesn’t love me so I tell myself, I tell myself_ _|_

Keith squeezed his hand and shot him a nervous smile. He was far from his usual, confident self today. Partly because of the situation, Lance thought, but probably also due to the alcohol intake and massive lack of sleep. Now that he paid attention, he saw that Keith had large grey bags under his eyes, and his hair was even messier than it used to be. How long was it since the last time he slept?

“The insomnia… Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” The answer was as immediate as it was definite. “I want to forget.”

He leaned over the table and gave Lance his third kiss of the night. This one contained more of those qualities he was familiar with: determination, lust, persuasion. “Please.” His voice felt weak and fragile, but that was what made it so impactful. Lance merely nodded, melting into the kiss once more. This is what he had agreed to when he accepted his invitation, after all. Physical contact was always implicit; they rarely had a meeting without any kind of engagement.

 

* * *

 

 

They both agreed that the McDonald’s bathroom at 4 AM was not very tempting or appropriate, and less than ten minutes later, they were stumbling over each other, still kissing, in the hallway of Keith and Shiro’s apartment. Keith assured that Shiro was gone for the night between kisses, but frankly, Lance did not care. All that was on his mind was Keith. His hair, damp from the melted snow from outside, his smell, a mixture of cranberries and musk, and his gloved hands roaming all over him. He tried to imprint every single detail of this moment to his memory. After all, he did not really know how long this would last.

It did not take long for them to get up the stairs and head towards the bedroom, as they both knew the way there like the back of their hands. This was not the first time Keith had taken Lance home for the night. Or, it was never really for the night, he corrected himself. He knew that when they were done he would have to leave, and quickly. That was how the arrangement always worked. He felt a sudden sting in his chest thinking about what was to come, but quickly pushed it away. There was no point in dreading the inevitable. He was here now, and he might as well enjoy the moment as long as it would last him.

Getting back into the spirit of it, he moved his hands to tangle into Keith’s soft, still damp hair, tugging at it slightly to emphasize his need for the other boy. Keith responded with a low, guttural growl that had Lance grow weak in his knees, and their fervent exchange of saliva continued as Keith slipped his tongue into Lance’s awaiting mouth. Then started a dance of passion, mouths never parting, Lance heaving for breath against Keith’s mouth as his tongue explored its entire cavity with a strong determination to taste him. To taste Keith and savor it like it was the last time.

He did not realize they had moved past the doorstep of Keith’s room until his legs hit the foot of the bed and he fell down with Keith collapsing on top of him. Their lips had yet to part, and Lance’s brain was getting fuzzy from the combination of lust and lack of oxygen. He let out a soft moan as Keith moved to attack the exposed skin on his neck, frolicking in the attention he was getting. Keith glanced up at him, and he could see a smirk forming on his face, his eyes hooded and filled with lust. He tugged at his hoodie in an attempt to pull it off, and Lance gently lifted his arms to help him finish his task. This was rewarded with another hungry kiss, and a soft whisper of “good boy”. Yes, he thought, he would definitely be a good boy for Keith any day.

It did not take long for the rest of their clothes to stack in a pile on the bedroom floor, and suddenly Keith was grinding up next to him completely naked in all his glory. The quarterback lost his gloves last, which almost made Lance whine in protest because they felt _so good_ against his skin. But then again, so did Keith’s bare hands exploring his body while their cocks grinded against each other. There really was nothing to complain about.

While kissing, Keith would occasionally let out a small grunt or catch his breath in his throat, but he was never loud or rowdy in bed. There was no telling if it was from embarrassment or just the natural lack of need to make noises, but Lance really wished to hear soft moans coming from his throat as he nibbled on his earlobe and left marks by his collarbones. He would bet a lot of money on Keith sounding absolutely god-like being completely wrecked, and his uttermost wish was to somehow reach that point with him one day. But for now, he reveled in the quiet gasps and eyes clearly clouded with desire. Keith enjoyed himself, and Lance was the reason for it. That was enough for him.

When Keith entered his first lube-coated finger, Lance let out a blissful scream, arching his back and biting his lower lip. He liked to think that he was beautiful this way. Disheveled and broken, laying there bare and begging, only for Keith’s eyes to see. From the way his lover was smiling when he added the second finger, and then the third, he presumed he was right. Because Keith’s eyes were eating him up like a luxurious five-course meal. God, how much he loved being the center of his attention.

“On your hands and knees. That’s it. You look so ready for me.” Lance’s now abandoned asshole was clenching on air, having been widened almost to the brink of its capacity. He wiggled it slightly to signal how ready he was to move on. To feel Keith inside of him. Right now, Keith sliding into him was what he needed to feel complete, to feel whole. The sensation when the first few inches slipped into him was beyond anything he could ever describe. All of his body was in sensory overload, and his mind was loaded with one word only: _Keith, Keith, Keith._ It had been so long since the last time he felt this way, the sensations were completely overwhelming him. All he managed was high-pitched moans and needy whispers of “please” and “more” and “Keith”.

He could feel himself getting closer to release, and judging by the unstable pace at which Keith was thrusting into him, he was close as well. Lance had to force himself to take back control of his rationality right before the orgasm hit to avoid doing anything except screaming his lover’s name. “KEITH!” _I love you_. His vision went white and his body limp, falling face first into the pillow. Keith continued his ragged thrusting for a few more seconds before he to collapsed, and Lance felt the twitching when his hole was filled with the other’s white, sticky cum.

Keith never screamed his name when he came, or any time when they were in bed for that matter. He just let out his pants and heavy grunts, floating off into some private abyss that Lance had no access to. It hurt immensely, and the little glimmer of afterglow he had was often ruined by the realization that he was merely a vessel for Keith’s pleasure. This time however, the quarterback wrapped his arms around him and held him close, clearly in need of some comfort as well. Lance basked in the warmth and attention he was given. It was so rare for Keith to be this gentle after sex, and even though he tried not getting his hopes up, his heart started beating faster, and his mind supplied him with eloquent imaginaries of Keith and himself waking up together, going on dates, holding hands. It was stupid. It was futile. But he still clung to it like a lifeline. He really was pathetic, wasn’t he?

A total of five minutes passed before Keith released his hold on him and shifted away, sitting up in bed to look for his clothes. It felt cold, unspeakably so, to be left alone under the sheets. All he wanted was to reach out and touch Keith, pull him back in with him. However, he willed himself not to. The disappointment coming with the immediate rejection he would face would be excessively much to bear. Instead, he watched Keith getting dressed, and sat up to catch his t-shirt in hands when it was tossed to him. The moment they had was already over and gone, and now he had to face reality once again.

 

* * *

 

By the door, Keith gave him a concerned look as he put on his shoes. _What is he thinking about?_

 

_|_ _My love, he makes me feel like nobody else, nobody else._ _|_

“You cannot head back out like that, dude. It’s freezing cold out there.”

_Is he asking me to stay?_ Fuck his heart for betraying him by uttering such thoughts.

Something was shoved into his hands by a slightly flustered Keith, and he looked down to see that it was a letterman jacket. _The_ letterman jacket. _Keith’s_ letterman jacket. “Put it on. I don’t want you to get sick or anything.” The faint mumble was barely audible enough for Lance to comprehend what he was saying. Pink spread across his cheeks and his heart started racing for what must have been the tenth time of the night. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

_|_ _But my love, he doesn’t love me, so I tell myself, I tell myself_ _|_

The fond smile that spread on Keith’s face made him float into a sky of pure bliss and happiness. However, he did not get to stay there for long, as the smile was replaced by a seemingly nonchalant shrug and a hand scratching the back of Keith’s neck as he replied. “Just, maybe don’t use it around school and stuff. Keep it in a bag before you return it or something…” Of course, there had to be a sour wind that blew his fragile card-house of hope down. There was never any real alternative to it. “Sure… Whatever you say.” He knew he sounded completely broken when he responded, but there was nothing he could do about it. Because he was. Broken. Like an expensive vase turning into mere shards when some kid pushed if off the kitchen table with seemingly no guilt whatsoever for the damage he had caused.

Lance left without properly saying goodbye, slamming the door behind him to accentuate just how Keith had made him feel. He heard a quiet sound, almost a whisper, “Lance…”, as he walked out the door, but no one came chasing after him into the cold winter night.

 

* * *

 

 

_|_ _Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silouhette_

_A lifeless face that you'll soon forget_

_My eyes are damp from the words you left_

_Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest_

_Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest_ _|_


	2. Two, don't let him in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance gets another evening visit from Keith, who seems to be very out of his element.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll start off by apologizing for 1. Taking forever to upload this and 2. Not uploading simultaneous chapters. I've had a really hard time figuring out how I wanted to structure this, so I ended up writing and rewriting over and over again. I figured putting this part up now that it's finished was better than making you wait another month or two for me to navigate through the writing of Incapable part 2... I have outlined it, but I'm constantly second-guessing my decisions when I start writing. Hopefully I will be able to get my vision across soon. Until then you will just have to settle for this. Again, I'm sorry. 
> 
> If you haven't checked out Incapable, which mirrors this fic from Keith's perspective, please do! However, you do not really need to have read Incapable part 1 in order to read this, it just adds details and perspective to your experience. 
> 
> Hopefully you will enjoy this! Have a good one!

The lunch row was as long as an Ariana Grande concert line. Lance both blessed and cursed the employee that had decided this Monday was pizza day. Would there even be any pieces left for them by the time he and Hunk got up there? He hoped so, because when he had committed to the line there was no way he was giving up his spot. The defeat of having someone else eat what could have been his hard-earned pizza… Even the thought of it made him cranky.

Five minutes. Ten minutes. God, would this line ever end? Lance pushed his satchel back up where it had slid down from his shoulder, restlessly tapping his feet to the ticking of the massive clock on the center wall. Hunk eyed him in a way that could only be interpreted as annoyed, but did not say anything. He was too polite for that, and too fond of Lance. Bless him. Closing in on fifteen minutes. Was this really worth it for a piece of pizza? He was starting to question their decision.

“Hey!” The sudden noise almost caused Lance to stumble over his own feet, and he cursed loudly as he turned to see Pidge approach them with a handful of pizza slices piled on a plastic plate. He could feel his mouth water at the sight, and Hunk seemed to agree with him from the way his pupils widened.

“I saw you got caught up all the way in the back, so I brought some extra ones!” Pidge said, flashing a rare smile. All Lance could see was Pidge enraptured in a massive halo of light. Katie Holt, an angel among men. He immediately stepped out of the line to grab a piece, feeling the sting from the betrayed looks his classmates were sending them. But hey, they should know the world’s not always fair.

“Pidge, you’re a literal goddess,” he said between bites, mouth full of ham and pizza crust. Pidge looked at him with disgust, which turned into a smirk when she saw Hunk spill molten mozzarella all over his shirt.

“Sometimes I question why I hang out with you guys at all.” She pushed her glasses back, rolling her eyes.

“It’s because we’re awesome!” Lance retorted, crumbles of pizza flying from his mouth.

“Something like that yeah,” she deadpanned, but her smile was genuine.

Finding a table near the windows, the trio sat down to eat the rest of their pizzas. Now that he wasn’t ravenous anymore, Lance’s thoughts drifted off to other things, or more specifically, other people. Keith, to be precise.

Lance had brought his jacket, even washed it for the occasion. He made sure not to wear it, though he was so spiteful about what had happened he had almost pranced around in it just to annoy him. Realizing it would only complicate the situation, combined with the fact that he hadn’t told his friends about what happened, he had chosen to leave it in his bag, neatly folded on top of his books to keep if from wrinkling. Keith wouldn’t like wrinkles on his jacket. He always kept it smooth and clean. Why did Lance even bother though? It was not as if Keith appreciated what he did for him.

 

_|_ _I keep pushing forward but he keeps pullin’ me backwards_ _|_

 

Speaking of the devil, a pair of dark grey eyes with violet specks caught his from across the room, the owner sending him a faint, almost apologetic smile. Keith had his hair down, clad in the typical college football shirt and tight black joggers, one arm draped casually over Ryan Kinkade’s shoulder as he chatted with his teammates. To Lance’s surprise he dropped it when he noticed he was looking at him, shrugging when Ryan turned his head back to ask him something. He then quickly flickered his eyes to Lance’s bag and back up. A silent question. Lance nodded, feeling his pulse quickening, Adam’s apple bobbing from the tension. Why did Keith never cease to spellbind him?

 

_|_ _(Nowhere to turn, no way)_ _|_

Keith nudged his head towards the exit, raising his brows to amplify his point. Another nod, and then Lance was rising from his table like an obedient puppy, only to be stopped by Hunk tugging at his shirt.

“Hey man, are you ok? You seem kinda lost.”

“I’m fine, just gonna get some air. I’ll be back in a minute.” It was not a complete lie, but it still felt like betrayal. Lance could not bear meeting Hunk’s eyes when he left the table, so he glued them to the ground instead, observing the cracks in the floor tiles. Their school certainly needed to freshen up its façade.

 

_|_ _(Nowhere to turn, no)_ _|_

 

Outside, Keith was pacing mindlessly back and forth, his lips curling up into a nervous smile when he saw Lance step through the door. A smile that made Lance’s gut do a full backflip. Why was it always the demons that where the most beautiful?

“Hey,” Keith said, kicking a loose rock across the pavement before he turned to face him again.

“Hey man,” Lance fumbled awkwardly with his satchel, almost dropping it when he reached out for the jacket inside. Keith chuckled, and like always, it was the most beautiful sound Lance had ever heard. Genuine smiles and laughs were somewhat rare coming from Keith, but he always seemed to have more to spare when Lance was around. That made the constant betrayals even harder to stomach.

“I tried not to crumble it in my bag, but it’s probably a little messy,” he mumbled, holding out a hand for Keith to take it.

“It looks fine to me. Thanks.” Keith said, immediately threading his arms through the sleeves and pulling it around himself. Somehow, the thought that they had both worn the same item of clothing made Lance all warm, clammy and fuzzy, and he didn’t know where to put his eyes. He ended up speaking to Keith’s knees, which probably looked awkward, but he was only human.

This guy kept doing things to him he could not process. Lance wanted to smack himself hard in the face and get his mind away from this sidetrack, but even though the alarms kept going off in his head, he wanted to get closer. If the road ended at a cliff then Lance would jump off right this moment just to please Keith. The thought of being this disconnected from himself was terrifying.

“Thanks for letting me borrow your jacket. You don’t have to worry about it being sweaty or anything, I washed it earlier…” Keith’s knees naturally didn’t respond, but their owner let out a soft “oh”, clearly surprised.

“… Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know,” Lance replied, finally moving his eyes back up to Keith’s face. Keith’s gorgeous, flawless face. This was dangerous territory. He should leave before something stupid happened.

 

_|_ _Now I’m standing back from it I finally see the pattern_ _|_

“Uhh… Hunk and Pidge are waiting for me in the cafeteria, I better go back to them now…” he rambled, lifting his satchel and turning to leave. Keith nodded, straightening the collar of his jacket, looking as though there was a lot banking on what he would say next.

“So… I’ll see you in class then?” A seemingly harmless, simple question. Except it wasn’t. It was anything but simple. It carried with it everything that had happened over the past few weeks. Their fighting. The complicated reunion. Keith turning his back on him time and time again. What he really was asking was if Lance was moving back to sit next to him, if things would be going back to normal now. The slight plead to his eyes, filled with a mixture of hope, regret, and something else Lance could not quite fathom, was what won him over. He smiled back at him, cheeks heating up and heart pounding heavily behind his ribs.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, “I’ll see you in class, Keith.” Then he turned and walked off, scolding himself under his breath, heart still racing.

 

_|_ _(I never learn, I never learn)_ _|_

 

* * *

 

 

Sure enough, the next day he sat down next to Keith in class, borrowing his pencils to doodle silly things on his arms like usual. Keith laughed, and Lance could feel that familiar heat settle in his stomach. There was something very comforting about returning to their normal banter, even though Lance knew he was being drawn back into the deep. At least this was familiar territory, and if he’d ignored how Keith still kept casually flirting with every willing guy at school, it would have been pretty nice.

 

_|_ _But my love, he doesn’t love me so I tell myself -  I do, I do, I do_ _|_

Except he didn’t ignore it. He always watched him in the hallways, felt Keith tugging at his heartstrings whenever he turned towards him and nodded, acknowledging his presence. He noticed there was longer between the guys now, and that Keith even rejected a few that tried to approach him. That whenever his eyes caught Lance’s, he seemed to unconsciously lean away from whomever he was interacting with. It was probably just his imagination. Wishful thinking. But that didn’t stop his heart from beating a little faster, his eyes from lighting up whenever Keith approached him. He knew he shouldn’t, but the heart wants what it wants.

 

* * *

 

 

Nine pm. Sunday. All alone in his apartment. What better time was there for hot chocolate with tiny pink marshmallows on top? His plan for tonight was simple: a warm beverage, heartfelt comedy, facemask, and popcorn. Me-time. God knows he needed it after the stress of this week. College was never easy, and three of his teachers simultaneously giving him a complete fucking essay to write was not making it any better. Besides, Keith sitting next to him in class again made Introduction to Philosophy impossible to focus on without thinking of him. Lance had been trying to write for hours, but his mind seemed to drift of every five minutes, and the page was still blank. Desperate times called for desperate measures. He deserved this break from life. From school. From Keith.

Lance had just put the kettle on the stove when he heard his phone buzzing on the table next to him.

 

**Keith *Slide to answer***

 

He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t.

“Hi!”

“Hi…” Keith sounded adrift, like he was not really focusing on the conversation. His voice was raspy, weak. Perfect timing. As if Lance didn’t have enough issues on his own.

Still, this was Keith. Knowing Keith was hurting was worse than hurting himself. Because he cared for this idiot so much, even though he never gave anything back. They just kept playing hunter and prey, and Lance always seemed to fall back into the trap. Kept thinking there had to be a reason Keith was chasing after him, other than to give himself that immediate satisfaction. Whom was he kidding?

“What’s up?” Lance asked, pretending not to sense the tension coming from the other end of the line. Maybe Keith just needed to talk. He could do that.

“… I’m outside your dorm.” Keith’s voice was shaking, like full on staccato. The kind of shaking that only came if your body was trembling too. “Can you open your door? Please.”

 

_|_ _Two, don’t let him in_ _|_

“I’m kinda busy… You know, homework.” He said, trying to fight his heart but miserably failing. He could hear Keith’s panicked breathing through the line, fast and heavy like an asthmatic.

“… What’s wrong?” He couldn’t help it, was never strong enough to resist. Didn’t have the conscience to let Keith handle his problems on his own. Because deep down he knew that he did not have anyone else to go to. Being captain of the football team and full time Casanova was a front hiding that Keith was alone; and Lance had somehow become his safe-haven. Keith was a broke man and Lance was the friend giving him money every time he asked for it, even when he barely had any of his own. Because he felt like Keith needed it more than him. Because he loved him.

“Just please let me in…. I need to… need to calm down.” Keith’s voice was desperate, and Lance was already subconsciously turning the stove back off, moving out of the living area towards the front door.

“Two seconds.”

“Thank… Thank you.”

Keith looked more of a mess than Lance had ever seen him before. More of a mess than on the anniversary of his parents’ accident. His eyes were red and sore. Not from crying but from trying his best not to. And Lance was right, his body was shaking like an aspen leaf in a heavy storm. Lance pulled him close immediately, wrapping strong arms around him like a force field. Intent on shielding him from the pain of the world. Keith hugged back weakly, clinging to Lance’s shirt and resting his head on his shoulder. Wet spots were forming on his sweater. Sobbing that would probably leave behind mucus judging from Keith’s distorted breathing through his nose. But Lance didn’t care about the stains. Let them come. He hugged Keith as tight as he possibly could.

“That’s it,” he said soothingly, patting up and down Keith’s back, “Let it all out.” Lance knew there was no point in asking what had happened, at least not yet. Keith was clearly in some kind of shock, and probing him with questions would not help him calm down.

With Keith still clinging to his clothes, Lance started slowly wagging the two of them backwards out of the door, using his inner map of the room to guide them through the archway and up to the couch. He gently sat them down, untangling Keith’s limbs from his slowly, trying not to seem rejective. It was easier than he thought to get Keith to lay down. He immediately grabbed a couch pillow to tuck close to his shirt, sniffling into it as he looked up at Lance with shameful eyes. Cute.

“… I’m sorry for crashing in like this.” The worst of the crying had stopped, and Keith seemed to be ashamed of it, hiding his head in the pillow to avoid looking at him. That too would be cute if he wasn’t still shaking.

“Don’t be,” Lance said, smiling sympathetically down at him. Keith hated crying, resented himself for showing that kind of weakness. Something terrible had to have happened to him for it to come to this. Something traumatic. Lance deliberated asking whom he should punch in the face, but Keith’s physique showed he was more than capable of doing that on his own. A lot more capable than Lance would be. Still, seeing him like this brewed up a storm inside of him. Suddenly, nothing mattered more than to make sure Keith was ok.

“Hey…” he said, brushing a hand over Keith’s hair to get his attention, “I was just about to make some hot chocolate, you want some?” A weak nod, face still buried in the pillow. Lance tucked Keith in a blanket, feeling bad for leaving him alone in this state, even for a few minutes. Even though he was still in the same room.

Lance’s dorm was a typical one. Not too big, not too small. The kitchen and living room area was shared, the stove top only a few meters from the sofa. He didn’t have a microwave or dishwasher, just a simple kitchen bench with an oven and sink, a few cupboards with hand-me-down dishes above it. Bringing down two cups from the shelf, Lance turned on the stove again, mixing the chocolate into the milk while humming faintly. It smelled rich and sugary, just the way he liked it.

The McClain family hot chocolate always included three things: tiny marshmallows, whipped cream, and cinnamon. Lance would never compromise when making it, always whipping the cream by hand. His mamá would have been outraged if he used the canned one. Besides, this was much better. It reminded him of home. He hoped Keith would enjoy it as much as he used to. Hot chocolate had always been his go-to “pick-me-up” on a hard day.

When he came back to put the mugs on the coffee table, Keith had moved himself to a sitting position, sniffling awkwardly on his jacket-sleeve, most of the tears gone. His eyes widened at the sight of the hot beverage, and Lance smiled. Guess he didn’t expect it to be that… extra. Lance hoped the reaction was a good one.

“Here.” He handed Keith the mug and he nodded politely, probably too self-conscious about his broken voice to talk much. “Do you want me to get you some tissues?” Keith shook his head, moving to take a sip of the sugary drink.

“… Wow. This is… really nice.”

“Thanks, it’s our family recipe. I’m so addicted to it I can’t really do it half-assed anymore.” Keith nodded again, following his hands with his eyes as he took another sip.

“I understand why,” he said, voice still broken, but his lips were curling upwards slightly. Progress. Good.

“So…” A long pause. Lance tried weighing his words carefully, but ended up just speaking his mind. “This, um, thing, you know… That happened. Do you wanna talk about it? Get it out, you know?”

“Not really,” Keith mumbled; voice feeble and eyes drooping from exhaustion. Well, at least he had tried asking, no use to force it out of him. Lance nervously scratched the back of his head, feeling an awkward tension fill the room. The guy he usually had casual sex with was here crying on his couch for unknown reasons. Their communication was bad enough to begin with, between Lance pushing and Keith pushing back only to suddenly pull away. The situation at hand wasn’t helping.

“Ok…” he said, eyes wandering around the room, searching for some sort of icebreaker. His laptop caught his attention, plugged into the TV via an HDMI-cable. Well, he was just about to watch a movie.

“Do you want me to pull up Netflix?” A small nod. It would have been invisible had Lance not paid attention. He grabbed the computer from the coffee table and plopped down next to Keith, typing the address into the search field. “Any requests?”

“Idk… Something simple, happy?” It read more like a question than an answer, almost as if Keith was asking him whether he thought a comedy would help his mood. He probably had different ways to deal with trauma when he was alone, more destructive ways. Lance wasn’t stupid. He had noticed the bottles frequenting around Keith’s apartment on his visits. This was definitely the healthier option.

“Sounds good,” he smiled, keeping his tone as upbeat and casual as he could muster. Hopefully the normality of the situation would relax Keith. Lance being a worried mess however – not relaxing. Panicking or prying too much would only be counterproductive.

They settled for a cliché romantic comedy about some guy who still lived with his mom trying to pick up girls. Keith was mostly quiet throughout it, curling up into Lance’s lap like a possessive cat. In the beginning, he would get up to take a sip of his drink once in a while, but realizing he would have to choose between being close to Lance and hot chocolate, he ended up just staying down. Lance’s hands were occupied with stroking through Keith’s hair and caressing his back. Both their cups grew cold on the table.

If Lance had not been worried out of his mind, this would be the perfect moment. Keith was so close to him, and nothing even remotely sexual or suggestive was taking place. His heart keened whenever he looked down and saw Keith snuggling in his lap, whenever he felt him shift a little to make himself more comfortable. Sometimes he would press his fingers gently down on Lance’s knee, trailing them along his tendon. He sent spikes of heat through Lance’s entire body with just that touch alone. It was magical.

For a quick minute, he allowed himself to imagine that this was their reality. No crying, no miscommunication, no betrayals; just two boys in love, spending a quiet night in. Wouldn’t that be lovely? Sadly, life was not a fairytale. This narrative didn’t have a happy ending. It was full of hurt, distrust, agony. He knew that his friends were right, and that he should let his stupid fantasies die, but letting Keith go felt impossible. Therefore, Lance stared down the barrel of the gun once again, putting all his money on one color. Hoping for a blank bullet. Addicted to the gamble. Addicted to Keith.

This side of Keith was something no one else experienced, no one but him. Soft, vulnerable, embarrassed about relying on others because he thought he could only trust himself. Lance desperately wanted to show him that didn’t have to be the case. Keith didn’t have to be alone. He would do anything, _anything_ to make him feel better. Even if it was self-destructive. Hunk was right; it wasn’t healthy.

Lance had always had a soft spot for those that were less fortunate than him, always bringing the stranded crabs and starfish back to the sea. An acclaimed quality, but only to a certain degree. For once you start helping others too much, you are suddenly caught beneath the waves, wriggling and frantically gasping for air. You are not of good help to someone adrift at sea if you yourself are drowning.

However, the scariest part is not drowning voluntarily; it’s when you help someone stay afloat at the expense of your own life. When you let someone else drag you down to the deep so that they can float back up. Especially when they wouldn’t return the favor. Keith would never be Lance’s lifeboat, but Lance was his buoy whenever Keith was lost at sea. A heavy imbalance tearing him apart day by day. But somehow, throwing himself into the waters felt less painful than not tipping a toe inside. Even the tiniest fraction of a chance that he could get them both up, that neither would drown, was enough for him to try over and over again. Lo and behold, he had not drowned yet. Which was probably sheer luck, but it had to mean something, hadn’t it?

An involuntary shiver would still roll through Keith from time to time, and even though he had calmed down tremendously since he arrived, he seemed nothing like his usual self. What had happened to him? What could possibly have made him feel this way? Keith somewhat knew how to keep his trauma in check, though Lance disagreed with most of his methods, so why was he suddenly acting so different? There had to be a trigger, something releasing this flood of emotions, this massive fear. All Lance could think of was the anniversary, but that was months ago now.

Maybe something had happened to Shiro. Lance had never met Keith’s brother, but given what they had both gone through, they had to be close. But if that was it, Keith would surely be wherever his brother was, supporting him through it, wouldn’t he?

 Something could have happened at practice. Football was the only thing Keith seemed dead serious about, but for him to be this upset it would have to be tremendously bad – like being kicked out of the team. The idea that Coach Rainer would throw away his most talented player seemed absurd, if not impossible. It had to be something else.

All the possible reasons for Keith’s behavior gnawed on Lance like a painful blister. How could he possibly help Keith if he didn’t know the cause for his behavior? This distraction only seemed to work to some extent.

Keith was shaking again, gripping onto Lance’s thighs with trembling fingers. He responded by grounding his fingers further into his hair, massaging the scalp. It didn’t seem to help, and the shaking got increasingly worse as they approached the end of the movie. Lance decided to lift Keith’s torso up, placing it close to his chest so he could listen to the soft thrum of his heartbeat. Clutching onto his shirt, Keith looked at him with panicked eyes, wide and red. Terrified. What had happened to him?

“Hey…” Lance cooed, moving down to graze his lips across Keith’s forehead. More a friendly and affectionate gesture than anything else, not trying to suggest anything romantic nor sexual. Keith however, seemed to get a determined fire in his eyes, and before Lance knew it, their positions were switched and he was laying beneath Keith on the cushions. His thighs were straddled, making him unable to maneuver easily. Keith cupped his face and crashed their lips together, nibbling and biting at him, desperate for his mouth to open. Everything was a blur. Lance’s heart was banging against his ribcage and his vision was foggy. It felt good, but mostly he was overwhelmed, and concerned. What was going on with Keith today?

Pulling his mouth away from Keith’s, Lance motioned for him to stop. Keith backed away immediately, disheveled and embarrassed. His hair had fallen in front of his eyes and he pushed it back, creating a spiked mess on top of his head. In any other situation, Lance would have found this hysterical, but not now.

“Hey… Tell me what you’re thinking ‘bout.” He probed, trying to calm down his erratic breathing.

“You.” The answer was immediate, as was the dive Keith made for Lance’s lips. He barely managed to dodge it, reaching a hand out to separate them, spreading his palm over Keith’s chest.

“No, the other thing. Why are you acting so strange?” Keith dropped his eyes, shifting uncomfortably above him.

“It’s not that strange for me to wanna have sex with you…” he tried, but the argument fell flat. Lance sighed.

“Man, you were literally just shaking on the couch seconds ago and now you wanna fuck. That’s like, the definition of weird.” No response, meaning Keith somehow agreed with him, but he would rather stay quiet than admit something like that.

“What’s wrong?” Lance said, once again trying to start a conversation. This situation was getting out of hand. With this level of impulsiveness and adrenaline, who knows what Keith would get up to if he didn’t watch over him?

“I just need to distract myself…” Keith said, moving to lift Lance’s hoodie. He subconsciously angled his body to help him, feeling that familiar anticipation build in his stomach. _No. Bad Lance. Don’t encourage him_.

Violet eyes looked down at him, and Lance couldn’t help the faint pink that dusted high on his cheekbones. His eyes were like gemstones in sunset, a perfect indigo that drew Lance into a mysterious forest. A labyrinth that he never quite managed to navigate, but he didn’t mind being lost. At least not in the moment.

Something was clearly wrong, but Lance was only human. And Keith’s ministrations left him panting and shaking. Hungry. Wanting.

Keith handed out more kisses with each passing second. Collarbone, cheeks, lips, earlobe. Anywhere across Lance’s face he could reach. Then he dipped further down and started exploring Lance’s chest, kissing him through the fabric of his navy t-shirt. Explorative hands fondled his now perk nipples, a wet mouth ghosted over the outline of his abs. Lance whined, and Keith snickered. He almost sounded fond. _Almost_.

“Aaaahh…” He couldn’t control the noises escaping him as Keith hiked his shirt up and attacked his pecs with his mouth. Slick tongue movements across his left nipple made Lance squirm and moan, scrambling to toss his shirt away. Another one of those soft laughs, was he dreaming?

“Bed?” Keith mumbled, and Lance nodded, eyes now hazed over and mind clogged with lust. Lifting himself up into a sitting position, he felt Keith’s limbs wrap around him like a pretzel. Arms were flung around his neck. Legs wrapped around his waist. A full head of hair settled itself in the crook of his neck, and he could feel Keith’s heavy breathing. Completely straddled. Engulfed by the body of the most beautiful boy in the universe, clinging to him as if he were a life-sized teddy bear.

Lance tentatively stood up, letting his arms reach around Keith and cup his ass, supporting his bodyweight. A soft, experimental squeeze, followed by a kiss to the exposed part of Keith’s neck. He snuggled in closer, letting out a content sigh. Lance felt his lips tug upwards into a goofy smile. This boy, this _man_. Always so ridiculously cute without trying. Tugging at Lance’s heartstrings and playing with his mind. Pulling him closer and closer to the edge.

“You want to be pampered, huh?” He swore he saw heat rise to Keith’s cheeks as he lifted his head and nodded briefly, but the moment didn’t last long enough to tell. Keith immediately dove back in, burying his face in Lance’s bare skin.

Now Lance was falling. Dopamine spread from his spine throughout his nervous system, and the rush of chemicals reminded him of surfing on tidal waves. Closing in on the final impact, never knowing whether he would come out unscathed. The thrill had always made it worth it. That thrill was infinitesimal compared to Keith. Keith was all-consuming.

Lance carried him to the bedroom slowly, wanting to savor every second of intimacy. Keith did not seem to mind. In fact, he let out more of those content little mewls, hugging Lance impossibly tight. Softly dropping Keith to the bed, Lance caged his head with his arms, leaning down to kiss him again. Keith met him halfway, and strong hands tugged at his hair, pulling him closer. Pliant lips opened and let Lance explore Keith’s mouth as he pleased; only interrupted by the occasional whine and yelp.

Stripping Keith of his remaining clothes slowly, Lance made sure to admire every inch of his pale skin. Everything from the glistening beads of sweat framing his torso, to the faint trail of hair going from his navel down to his growing erection. Looking back up into violet orbs, he could sense Keith’s embarrassment from being on display like this, but he didn’t budge. It was as though he wanted Lance to see for once, wanted him to be in control. Maybe he was reading too much into it, but no matter what it was, he didn’t want it to end.

“… You’re beautiful,” he said, but if felt insufficient. The word could not even begin to capture how divine Keith looked spread out beneath him, covered not even a fraction of Lance’s desire to live in this moment forever.

“...Really?” A soft whisper of disbelief. Bewilderment. Insecurity? Not very Keith-like.

“Definitely. The prettiest guy I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

Keith flickered his eyes away, squirming a fraction beneath him. “…Thanks.” Adorable.

Pulling his pants and boxers down, Lance gently pressed his hips down to meet Keith’s, capturing his lips in another kiss. Everything was much slower than what he was used to, a controlled pace allowing him to enjoy every single second. So tantalizingly slow that he could burn every single image of Keith to his retinas for safekeeping. Savor every sound he made, every bucker of his hips against his own. The smell of their sweat mingling together and the sound of their low pants and groans only added to his fantasies. Fantasies in which Keith wouldn’t leave him when they were done. Fantasies where they would wake up together next morning, having eggs on toast and cuddling on the couch before school started. Dangerous fantasies.

Eventually, it became more heated, and both men were overwhelmed by desire. They couldn’t drag this out forever, neither had the patience. Both too lustful to keep their hands from roaming further, their thrusts against each other from growing harder and faster. Lance fiddled with the drawer on his nightstand, desperately searching for the lube bottle. He let out a triumphant sound when he finally caught hold of it, causing Keith to eye him quizzically. Once he saw the bottle, his face turned softer, back to its slack, lustful gaze. Oh, how badly Lance wanted to please him.

“Tell me what you want,” he whispered, dragging his nails across Keith’s chest, “Should I prep myself? You can just lay back and watch.” Keith’s eyes once again dropped, settling on a distant spot behind him, defocused. He anxiously bit his lower lip, sucking in a large breath of air.

“I… Switch with me” he finally mumbled, amethyst eyes flickering up at him through long eyelashes. Once again submissive. Vulnerable?

But… Switch? Like positions? Did he want Lance to be laying down? He could not possibly mean..?

“I’m not sure if I’m following you…,”

“Uhmm… Could you prep me? I wanna switch.” Dios mio, this had to be a dream. Keith. Broody, muscular, self-confident Keith. Mr. I always need to be in control. Spread out beneath him, looking angelic. Asking him to…

Keith looked up at him expectantly, a hint of disappointment flashing across his irises. Then he looked away, bringing his legs up to his torso. Suddenly the mood was broken, and Lance had no idea why.

“… I… I mean… Uhhhh… We don’t have to if you don’t….” That was when Lance realized he never replied. What an idiot he was.

“No, no, no. I really want to. Believe me, I _really_ do. You just… caught me of guard, that’s all.” He leaned in, brushing his lips against the side of Keith’s neck. Keith sighed, relaxing into his touch.

He proceeded to pamper Keith with more kisses, rebuilding the anticipation for what was to come. Hands roamed over his back and kneaded his buttocks, making Keith frantically buck up against him. They were both back to fully hard, the awkwardness from earlier long since blown away. 

Deciding the mood was right, Lance gently smeared some lube on his fingers, rubbing them back and forth a little to warm it up. Then he prodded his pointer finger at Keith’s entrance. He immediately tensed up, clenching shut around his hole, eyes wide and with a hint of fear. Strange behavior for someone who claimed to want it. Unless…

“Hey… Have you done this before?” No answer, just Keith burying his face in the turquoise pillow sheet, “…I just… You seem so tense…”

“It’s been a while,” Keith said finally, exhaling and releasing the tension in his cheeks, relaxing all the way down to his toes, “Just… be gentle, ok?” Lance smiled softly at him.

“Always.”

Lance moved the finger closer again; making sure Keith could watch his every movement. Pushing it past the ring muscle, he felt Keith tensing again, and quickly moved to kiss his nipples. Distractions. It had always worked for him.

A soft moan escaped, and Keith’s hole seemed to flutter open around Lance’s finger, if only by a fraction. Stopping his movements, Lance kissed Keith’s forehead. The situation felt so strangely intimate, different from their regular escapades. He desperately wanted it to mean something.

“This ok?” He asked, and Keith nodded for him to keep going.

The pace he set was slow, and required far more patience than he had thought he had available. However, the comfort of his partner was just as important to Lance as his own sexual pleasure. After all, it was no fun unless both parties were enjoying themselves. And seeing Keith pliant and content, arching his back beneath him as he gradually scissored him open, was more than enough for him. He didn’t need to get hot and heavy. Not when he could have this.

Pushing his fingers further in, Lance was surprised by a sudden spasm rocking through Keith’s body. The boy beneath him let out a full on whimper, his legs trembling and eyes half-lidded. Lance had to stop himself from unleashing all of his animalistic desire and ravaging him right then and there. That… was unbelievably hot.

“Did you like that?” A frantic nod. Hips rutting impatiently against his fingers. Lance groaned deep in his chest, feeling his cock pulse with the need for attention. Keith seemed worse for wear, his head almost purple, dripping with precome. Lance leaned down to lick it off slowly, lazily moving his tongue across the tip.

“Aaaahh…. Lance… More.” Bucking his hips up instinctively, Lance gripped hard around his base to stop himself from coming. Keith had never begged for him before, never ever wanted him in this way. The rush of blood to his abdomen was so intense that his head started spinning. All the fluids in his body seemed to gather in his throbbing erection. Feeling braver, he leaned in closer, rubbing his dick against Keith’s now lax entrance.

“Do you want this?” He whispered into Keith’s ear, sounding even more seductive than he thought possible. The sound that left Keith was wantonly, and couldn’t be mistaken for anything but a yes. “Tell me how much you want it.” Was he taking it too far? Would Keith be annoyed if he tried to dominate him too much?

“Please…” was the only answer he got. From Keith, that was more than he could ever have hoped for. It went straight to his gut, spreading that heavenly warmth throughout his body. Last minute, he remembered the lube, and spread some on his already oversensitive dick, moaning softly. Keith was still tight. He would _not_ appreciate being split open on a dry cock. Especially if this was something he rarely ever did, which Lance had no problem imagining it was. In fact, he had always thought Keith kept exclusively to topping. The desperate need to be in charge and dominating combined with his muscular aesthetic had seemed like pretty convincing evidence. However, laying on his back beneath him, hips gyrating towards his cock silently begging him to fuck him… Lance didn’t mind being proven wrong.

Pushing inside slowly, Lance let out a string of curse words as the soft heat enveloped him. It had been ages since he had felt the clenching of a hole around his dick, and he suddenly remembered why he once had preferred it. The warmth around him, Keith’s nails digging into the small of his back, the tingling feeling of electricity spreading throughout his body. A drug he could never get enough of.

“Can I move?”

“Yeah… It’s ok.” Breathless. Wrecked. Red-eyed, sweaty and gorgeous. Beneath him and for his eyes only. Lance pulled back and pushed inside again. This time to the hilt. Keith whined. He set up a slow pace, not sure how long he would last if he tried moving faster. Every sensation overwhelmed him. Every touch against his skin. Every brush of Keith’s erect cock against his stomach. Every moan, every pant, every clench of muscle around his length by that tight, wet heat.

An embarrassingly short moment later, Lance was whiting out. Or, it would have been embarrassing if Keith had not just spurted come all over their stomachs and chests, unraveled by a lucky brush to his prostate. Lance would definitely claim that as intentional if he asked. His toes were curling and his mind fogging, and all he could feel was a massive spread of heat throughout his entire body, centered in his abdomen. So hot. So unbearably hot. His breathing became ragged as he kept pumping out come for several seconds, body trembling from the effort of trying to hold himself up.

Hands and legs finally giving out, Lance collapsed on top of a blissed out Keith, too basked in his afterglow to care about the come smearing out between them. Smelly and sticky, mingling with their sweat. He could feel Keith’s heartbeat pounding heavy with every rise and fall of his chest, and his own followed the same, erratic rhythm. Both completely disheveled and lost in the sensation.

His body readied for rejection, drawing back and willing himself not to touch Keith’s soft locks like he wanted to. Not to lean in and kiss him softly, lovingly. The kind of kiss you shouldn’t share with a hook-up. The dangerous kind.

To his surprise, Keith wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him closer to his chest. Rolling them over to the side and placing his head firmly on Lance’s torso, Keith settled, seemingly with no intention of moving any time soon.

Lance draped his arm around Keith’s waist, placing lazy kisses along his neck and shoulder blade. Feeling Keith inch closer only urged him on, and soon he was lost in the affectionate gestures, reveling in how Keith’s body responded with shivers and pulses to his every move. Hunk’s voice echoed in his mind.

 

_‘This is what always happens. He gives you a tiny bit of attention and you turn into a lovesick puppy.’_

_‘Please promise me you won’t go back to him again.’_

_‘I really mean it this time. I won’t let you.’_

The guilt overwhelmed him. Burned him up from the inside. Whom was he kidding? Deep down he knew he was only setting himself up to be hurt. Lulling himself into a blanket of false comfort. Because whatever was making Keith act like this was not true to his nature. Once he snapped out of it, he would leave again. Once he had gotten what he came for, Lance’s feelings wouldn’t matter. He knew this was a bad idea, yet he always did it to himself. There was something about all that undivided attention. Something about the illusion of having Keith all to himself. He sighed and made his decision.

 

  _|_ _… You’ll have to kick him out again_ _|_

 

“Uhmm… Keith?” The mop of hair on his chest rustled, and he was met with tired, blissed out amethyst eyes, so different from the panicked orbs he had seen earlier. A sudden rush of affection, a spark igniting between their eyes. _I did that. I made him feel better._ If he kicked him out, what would happen to him? No. No guilt. Keith had made him go through far worse. He could do this.

“It’s getting real late… Maybe you should get going?” he started, glancing up at the stars in the ceiling instead of at Keith. Anywhere but those eyes. “I’m not allowed to have people stay overnight in the dorms...” A lie, but Keith didn’t have to know that. “And there’s class tomorrow…” Whom was he kidding? He wanted to keep him here. Hold him close. Whisper sweet nothings into his ear.

“Ten more minutes…” Keith mumbled, burying his face back into Lance’s chest. How could he possibly deny him? He was beyond love-struck at this point, had been for too long to change his ways. It seemed his fate was already determined. Death by heartbreak. Repeatedly.

Feeling his eyes threatening to slip close, Lance tried one last time a few minutes later, nudging Keith lightly with his elbow. No response. Not even a small shift of his body. Keith was completely passed out against him. If not for the soft, warm breaths tickling Lance’s nipple, he would have thought he was done for. Chuckling softly, Lance gave in once again. Tan arms pulled Keith closer, and the soft smell of cranberries filled his nostrils. _Keith._ His treacherous heart pounded at his ribcage like a wrecking ball. _Keith, Keith, Keith._

Not able to control his impulses anymore, Lance placed a soft kiss to Keith’s temple, whispering fondly “Buenas noches, cariño. Dulces sueños.” Then he allowed himself to drift off, a content smile plastered on his face.

 

* * *

 

 

It was cold when he woke up. The sheets had fallen off him during the night, gathered in a messy bundle around his feet. But that was not why he suddenly froze up. It was the lack of body heat that threw him off. The absence of arms around his waist that made him scramble around in bed, still not fully awake. Searching for… something. Anything. A sign that the night before had not just been a lifelike dream. He listened for a heartbeat, mindlessly flailed his arms around him in the hopes of grabbing onto an arm, brushing over a bare chest. Nothing. Only silence.

Opening his eyes would only confirm what he dreaded, so he delayed it. Took a minute to gather his thoughts, take deep, calming breaths. What had he been expecting? Of course, this would happen. There was no reason for Keith’s personality to change overnight. Yet he had given himself permission to believe, to give away his love without conditions. Unrequited love. The dangerous kind.

There was no way to stop the tears falling from his soon to be swollen eyes. It was Keith that had come in crying, but when he left, it was always Lance who collapsed in tears. Always Lance that ended up drawing the short straw, whilst Keith walked away happier, content. No wonder his friends despised him. No wonder they told him to stay away. Lance would have done the same. But this… This was Keith. And that notion made the matter entirely different. _Because you love him_. His heart throbbed sadly. Unrequited love. The dangerous kind.

Letting his eyes drift over to his nightstand, Lance’s sobbing stalled for a second. Had that piece of paper been there earlier? Surely it hadn’t, he would have remembered that. With trembling hands, Lance reached out for the scrap, opening it to find Keith’s signature messy handwriting.

 

_Last night never happened…_

_~~PS: You look cute when you sleep~~ _

_-K_

 

Confusion. Fondness. Tears. Anger. How was this supposed to make him feel? What did this even mean? Why did he have to keep playing these games with him..? No… No more. He was tired of being a toy. _But what if it means something?_

No. Nope. He shouldn’t go there. Dangerous territory. Besides, how much could he have meant it when the words were hastily covered in ink in a desperate attempt to hide the message? Best not to reflect upon it.

Wiping the remaining tears and sitting up fully in bed, Lance crumpled the paper into a ball and threw it in the bin, resisting the urge to run over and smoothen it back out. He deserved better.

 

_But what if it means something?_

_|_ _You said that you were staying over_

_But then I woke up to the cold air_

_How could you make me believe?_

_That there was something in between you and me, yeah_

_I look around and I don’t see you_

**_Where were you in the morning, baby?_ ** _|_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please give me a kudos if you liked this, or throw a comment my way. It really helps with the motivation when I have such a hectic schedule. Thank you for taking your time to read my fic - I really appreciate it! I would love for you to check out my other works as well. Most of them are not as dark as this one. 
> 
> Updated Lance Playlist:   
> 1\. Dua Lipa – New Rules  
> 2\. Daughter – Youth  
> 3\. Fall out Boy – Irresistible   
> 4\. Jesse McCartney – Wasted   
> 5\. Abandoning Sunday – Crush (cover)  
> 6\. SayWeCanFly - I fall apart (cover)  
> 7\. Shawn Mendes - Where were you in the morning?  
> 8\. 5 seconds of summer – Youngblood   
> 9\. BTS, Steve Aoki - Waste it on me   
> 10\. Zayn - I don't mind   
> 11\. Ina Wroldsen - Remember me   
> 12\. Shawn Mendes - Perfectly wrong   
> 13\. Astrid S - Emotion   
> 14\. P!nk, Lily Allen - True love   
> 15\. Bonnie Raitt - I can't make you love me   
> 16\. Sleeping at last - Atlas:Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like this healed me, albeit only a little. And it was nice to be able to finally get this vision mapped out properly, even though it physically pains me to write it. This story has been lurking in the back of my mind since late August/early September, after all. After this, I have also realized that I feel more comfortable writing in Keith’s POV, but I don’t know why. Maybe it is because I love Lance so much that writing him is something I feel like I can never do well enough. 
> 
> Remember that this is one of several pieces, and that Keith’s point of view also will be explored later. So if some things are very unclear to you at the moment, that is kind of the point. It also adds to the idea of the confusion and chaos that exists when you are hopelessly in love with someone who does not seem to love you back. 
> 
> And again, fuck you vld season 8… I want my Lance back. 
> 
> I would say hope you enjoyed but this is all sad tbh…
> 
> Songs:  
> 1\. Dua Lipa – New Rules  
> 2\. Daughter – Youth  
> 3\. Fall out Boy – Irresistible  
> 4\. Jesse McCartney – Wasted  
> 5\. Abandoning Sunday – Crush (cover)  
> 6\. SayWeCanFly - I fall apart (cover)  
> 7\. Shawn Mendes - Where were you in the morning?  
> 8\. 5 seconds of summer – Youngblood


End file.
